56/365 Refuse to Take Her/Him for Granted, EVER

THE QUOTE

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost."
—G. K. Chesterton

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
We live in a changing and uncertain world. Our kids keep growing and I as I embrace each new stage of their development I also grieve the one past. Because of that I try to be with them as much as I can. I refuse to be the father who looks back on his relationship with his kids and utters, "If only...".

Further,  I try to be a loving and appreciative husband to you because I know too well how easily people can be hurt, marriages can be damaged and relationships lost. I refuse to let that happen to us. I know you do, too, which is why you are so very good to me. I do realize that all the good I have can be lost through ignorance, carelessness and stupidity. As Chesterton said, I belive it is because of this awareness that I do not take you or them for granted and that I am fully able to love you and the children as we all deserve.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Refuse to Take Her/Him for Granted, EVER. There's a STUPID old saying that says, "You always hurt the ones you love." While I understand how that happens, it seems like a cop-out and a lame one at that. Seems to me that if anyone on the planet deserves your best it is those you have sworn to honor, love and protect: Spouse and children.

We give our best to our customers, the store clerk, the neighbor, the friend, the stranger. That is good and right. Those people all deserve to be treated with respect, civility, kindness, and good manners. Of course, it's easier with those people because we don't live with those people day after day, year after year. Naturally, when we live so closely we get on each others nerves, get stressed, and snap at each other. However, rather than seeing that as an excuse for bad behavior it should provide us with all the more reason to be even on our better behaivor, to watch ourselves, to learn and practice the skills to master strong emotions and to discipline our behaviors.

What skills, what practices? Oh, man, there are so many great things available to us. Some of my personal and professional favorites have become the ones I teach the most: Mindfulness practices, Building Strong Families with ACCCTS principles and skills, Marketing the GREAT Relationship Brand in Your Relationships, and so many more (seminars and articles) Come learn them in private coaching or invite me to speak to your group or event.
 
The phrase "You always hurt the ones you love" is the pre-cursor to "You don't know what you've got til it's gone." Two tragic, and wholly avoidable, cliches that can be, and should be, stricken from our relationship lexicon.  Thus, Chesterton's quote is a simple key to preventing both of these lame cliches.

51/365 True Love Is Sacred

THE QUOTE

"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love."—Henry Ward Beecher

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I have been a "hopeless romantic" for as long as I can remember. However, I've never fully known love until I've paid the price to know it. That price has been commitment, dedication, devotion, sacrifice, forgiveness, compassion. Those are divine traits that this mortal son of God has tried to practice for your sake, for our children's sake and for my sake. Thus, it is only since I've learned to love that I've learned to fully worship my God—not in prayers and worship meetings alone but most importantly in daily practice of loving well His children according to their birthright: That you and the children deserve to be loved well. I hope that I love you well, baby. You deserve nothing less than the very best I can give.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is sacred as it requires sacrifice. True sacrifice isn't easy, however, it is sacrfice that gives up the good for the greater. False, or empty sacrifice is when we give up the good and then only note that the good was given up. That is when we "count the cost" of our sacrifice. That sacrfice is not sacred.

That which is sacred is protected and reverenced. A temple is honored and treated with respect. It is considered holy. Treat your partner and your marriage the same. However, truth is it is much easier to reverence a sacred structure than it is a relationship. A structure is constant; people fluctuate. A structure is easily identifiable as sacred; an upset, impatient and imperfect partner is not. All the more reason why I believe that our greatest opportunities for spiritual growth are in our relationships. It is in our relationships that the things we say we believe are tested to their core. It is easy for me to be pious, high-minded and reverent in my place of worship. It is not easy for me to always be so in my relationships with my spouse and children. Thus it is in those relationships that my belief is fully tested and it is there where my true character shows itself—for good or ill. Thus, when I learn to love fully and well the people who are not always easy to love fully and well, then I have fully learned to worship the Divine.

Loving another, as imperfect as you are and as imperfect as the other is, allows us to taste perfection and to get in touch with the sacred, with the Divine. Sacred love requires that I sacrifice the hardest thing to sacrifice: Ego. Pay the price that sacred love requires: The price of commitment, dedication, devotion, sacrifice, forgiveness, and compassion. These are the traits of the Divine. We can only develop transcendent love when we transcend our ego that keeps us anchored to pride and self-centeredness. Instead we must willingly trade ego for other-centeredness, which frees us into true connection with the divine nature in self and others. It is through connecting with the Divine within us and in others that we are then connected with the Divine.

35/365 Get on, and stay on, the same page

THE QUOTE

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
—Antoine de Saint-Exupery

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
This is the author of The Little Prince which is one of my all-time favorite books (I don't think this quote is from that book, though). While I enjoy gazing at you I get such peace and security knowing that we are looking and moving in the same direction throughout our life, which then assures that when I do turn to gaze at you I will know you are there beside me. That sounds like love to me.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Get on, and stay on, the same page. Getting on the same page of "falling in love" is the easy part. Staying in love, though, not only takes some work it first requires making a decision to stay on the same page even when feelings come and go. Look forward together. This allows you to study where you are going, helps you know the territory, and keeps your eyes on the prize.

34/365 Make and Remake Love—Red Hen Style

THE QUOTE

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, re-made all the time, made new.
—Ursula K. Le Guin

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
You are the Maker of Yummy Things. Every day you make our meals and our treats—the food that nourishes not only our bodies but also our souls. You make the stuff we need and want. You are a creator, a maker. I say frequently, "This is the best ________ you've ever made." And it's always true.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Make and Remake Love. Bread nourishes. It keeps us alive. We make it and it makes us. This making is never completed, though. It must be made and remade. Love, too, is never done. It is a combination of ongoing work and ongoing enjoyment.

Consider the story of The Little Red Hen: Everyone in the story wanted the tasty results but none were willing to do the all the work required to help the hen make the bread. It is the same with relationship work. Everyone wants the GREAT Relationship, but few are willing to do the work required for the results. Be willing to do the work to get the results. Bon appetit!

33/365 Count the Ways

THE QUOTE

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need; by sun and candle—light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old grief's, and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath.
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
—Elizabeth Barrett Browning
[Picture: Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Source http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:410px-Elizabeth-Barrett-Browning,_Poetical_Works_engraving_flipped.png]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Well, I think these two blogs (this one, and The 52 Love Songs Project, both count as counting the ways I love you. So read and count on!
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Count the ways. Literally. Take out a sheet of paper, or type on the computer, a list of all the ways, big and small, silly and profound, you love your partner. Make this an ongoing list. Share it with your partner all at once and/or leave notes and phone messages, send emails and texts daily with the following, "I love you because ______________." Fill your mind and your partner's with all that is right instead of focusing on all that is wrong.

31/365 You Marry More than Your Partner

THE QUOTE

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
—Cynthia Heimel

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Well, my friends were your friends, too, so you already knew what you were getting. And how blessed we are to have such true blue friends who have also proven their greatness through their love and devotion to their families. They are examples to me of how to be a good man myself. Just look at us back in college there in the "Dungeon." This is a great quote—one that our kids will do well to learn from as they make their choice for a partner.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
You marry more than your partner. People often "act" surprised or shocked by their spouses family and our friends behavior, mannerisms and attitudes. Then they act like victims of their in-laws and their partner's friends. Well, "look before you leap" may be cliché, but it's still wise counsel for those who are falling in love with someone to bear in mind you buy the whole package: Family, friends, associates—warts and all. If it's already "too late" for you, then stop acting victim (if you are) of your partner's friends and family and instead learn how to engage more effectively with them or to better manage your own side of it. Don't know how? No problem. Call me.

30/365 Life-long Romance is a Choice, Not a "Falling"

THE QUOTE

A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night, a true man romances the same girl for the rest of her life.
—Ana Alas
[Picture: Carl & Ellie from Pixar's Up]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
There are two great loves in my life: 1. You. 2. Love. I am in love with you and I am in love with love. Loving you reminds me of how great love is and loving love reminds me to love you anyway when I may not quite feel like it.
—J

PS: Love #1 gave me the Four Treasures of My Life which are but subsets of the two great loves of my life. Thanks baby. Love #2 keeps me in check so I never run the tragically foolish risk of losing any of the above.

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Life-long Romance is a Choice. "We fell in love... we fell out of love." Sounds like a lot of accidents happening around something as big and important as love and all that goes with it: Marriage, money, children, property. True men, who know how to love truly, romance their women daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and repeat for life. Create love by choice. Don't wait for it. Too many people base their behaviors on their feelings (and then defend it like it's normal):

"You need to treat each other as friends."

"Yeah, but I don't like him."

"So."

"How can I treat him well if I don't feel it? I'm not fake."

"Oh, so your sincere contempt, nitpicking, criticisms, snide comments, sarcastic remarks, and yelling are somehow ennobled because they aren't 'fake'?"

Here's the problem: Most relationships start with, "I feel loving so I act loving" and then as partners get to really know each other they get annoyed, irritated, hurt, upset, etc and then it is, "I don't feel loving so I won't act loving." People feel this is acting out of integrity. I say it's specious emotional reasoning. There's a point where your feelings matter. I'm a therapist, I get that. There's also a point where your feelings don't matter. Invalidation of emotions is bad. We know that. Overvalidation, though, is just as destructive.

The principle here is Correct Behavior GENERATES (over time) Desired Emotion. So the GR Work involves a LOT of learning to treat each other well in loving, compassionate, patient, rule-disciplined ways so that the stance now becomes: "I act in loving ways even when I hate you." This keeps us from trashing the relationship just because we don't feel good. Still skeptical? Okay, try emotion-driven behavior at work for a month and see how long you have a job. We behave well to get well. We behave good to get good.

29/365 Gain TRUE Knowledge

THE QUOTE

The three stages of love and marriage:
You don't know 'em, but you love 'em. 

You know 'em, and don't love 'em.
You know 'em and you love 'em.
—Unknown 


THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Enter Stage One: As friends first and then when we dated what wasn't there to love? We only saw the best of the best of each other. And it was good stuff. Then we married. Enter Stage Two. That wasn't always easy. We got to know each other—our good sides and our worst sides and the feeling of love would transiently ebb and flow. Now I can gladly say that we have Entered Stage Three. We know each other—the good, the bad, the annoying, the silly, the goofy, the irritating, the inspiring, the encouraging, the sweet and the considerate—and we love each other. We've learned and grown. I can honestly say I love you better BECAUSE I know YOU for who you REALLY are. I am a better person because of you and all we have learned from each other and with each other. It can only keep getting better.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Gain true knowledge of your partner. Gain knowledge—I did not say gain assumptions or gain judgments or gain criticisms or gain interpretations or gain perceptions. I said gain true knowledge. Study your partner as he or she IS not how you think he or she SHOULD be. Knowing is a process, not an event. Knowing another person is a slow, progessive, development that occurs over time. Give it time and study well without the knowledge barriers listed above.

The Chinese character for "knowing", as shown above,  has more than one meaning including "awake, wake up", "feel, sense", "discover, find out", and "arouse".  These are good concepts for gaining knowledge.

28/365 See True Beauty

THE QUOTE

Johnny Depp as Don Juan de Marco in response to Marlon Brando's character psychiatrist Dr. Mikler, (whom Don Juan thinks is Don Octavio de Flores and owner of the "villa") when Dr. Mikler asked how he could call the psychiatric hospital a "villa", replied:

"By seeing beyond what is visible to the eye. Now there are those, of course, who do not share my perceptions, it's true. When I say that all my woman are dazzling beauties, they object. The nose of this one is too large; the-the hips of another, they are too wide; perhaps the breasts of a third, they are too small.

"But I see these women for how they truly are... glorious, radiant, spectacular, and perfect, because, I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react to me the way that they do, Don Octavio, because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire, to release that beauty and envelope me in it.

"So, to answer your question, I see as clear as day that this great edifice in which we find ourselves is your villa. It is your home. And as for you, Don Octavio DeFlores, you are a great lover like myself, even though you may have lost your way and your accent. Shall I continue?"

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
As you know, this is one of my favorite movies: 1. Because of my profession; 2. I appreciate seeing "reality" different from the status quo; 3. It's a great romantic movie not just for Johnny's portrayal of Don Juan but also for Brando's and Dunaway's characters relationship. While you are a great beauty to me, it's YOU that I love more than how attractive you are.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Love your partner for who they are, not how you think they should be. I hear too many people, unfortunately, too often men, who complain and compare physical attributes in a such a way that keep the women in their lives from feeling fully loved for who they are at their very core. I think there is a great lesson to be learned from this fictional movie.

27/365 Become a Lifetime Student of the Master—Your Partner

THE QUOTE

I think a man and a woman should choose each other for life, for the 
simple reason that a long life with all its accidents is barely enough time for a man and a woman to understand each other and. . . to understand is to love.
—William Butler Yeats [Picture: William Butler Yeats, 1908]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
18 years of marriage, 23 years of friendship. I think we've learned a lot about each other. I believe Yeats is right. We, fortunately, have so much more to learn. At times I think I do know you and then realize I am just glimpsing a shade of understanding on the deeper sublime levels of who you are and what we can be. I am glad that I get to study you the rest of my life and thus learn you. You are worthy of great study. You are worthy of great understanding.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Become a Lifetime Student of the Master—Your Partner.  Yes, "to understand is to love." For those of you have worked with me have learned The Deep Listening Validation Chain (I'll go over later). No one knows your partner better than he/she does. As such, he or she is the Master of Self. Rather than fight and argue, bow in humility to the master and learn from your partner. When you enter your home know you are entering the Relationship Dojo. Treat your partner with the same deference and respect as the student teaches the Sensei. Understand that the best Zen Masters teach not with direct instruction but through puzzling koans and allow you to struggle with your own experience. How is this different from your partner who may be difficult to  understand, with whom you struggle with? Instead of fighting, learn to "sit with the discomfort" and just be with your partner in conflict. Study him/her so well that you come to know their secret suffering under their anger and criticism. Instead of bashing them back blow for blow, instead skillfully duck their blow and attend to their underlying pain. How? Through patient, respectful and compassionate listening. This is difficult. Tough. Do it anyway. It WILL take you a lifetime to master this art. Begin today.  This lifetime is indeed "barely" enough time to understand each other.

26/365 Love Simply and Fully

THE QUOTE

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

—Pablo Neruda, from 100 Love Sonnets[Picture: Pablo Neruda with his wife Matilde for whom he wrote every one of the 100 Love Sonnets]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Benji (that's my bro to those who don't know—another good man who loves his wife well and is well loved by him) shared this one with me after seeing this blog the other day. Contrary to this quote, I do know why and how I love you. Akin to this quote I do love you simply and straightforward and unashamedly. This is the way I know and I desire no other way. I love you, baby.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Love simply and fully. Don't complicate love with pride, subterfuge, jockeying for position, scoreboarding, gaminess, and so on. Keep it simple. Be straightforward: Say "I love you." Show "I love you."

25/365 Have a Trophy Marriage

THE QUOTE

Any fool can have a trophy wife. 
It takes a real man to have a trophy marriage.
—Diane Sollee, SmartMarriages.com 


THE LOVE NOTE
K—
My sister-in-law, Leah often says to my brother in her fun, sweet manner, "I'm your trophy wife, aren't I, Ben?" Smilingly, he replies, "Yep." The good news, more importantly, is that they have a trophy marriage. You've adopted the same line, and indeed you ARE my trophy wife. I'm proud of our marriage and love to show both you and our marriage off!
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Have a Trophy Marriage. And proudly display and show it off. This is one reason for this public display of my love for Kara through these blogs. It's not just about braggin' (but if you got it, flaunt it), it's about showing that there is a prize that is attainable through the same discipline and hard work it takes to win a trophy in any field of endeavor.

Get the cool shirts at: http://www.falkdesigns.com/diary/archivee/2009_08_01_archive.html. No connection to me, just giving due props to sweet Ts.

24/365 Dealing with Incompatibility Is More Important than Being Compatible

THE QUOTE

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how 
compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
—Leo Tolstoy 


THE LOVE NOTE
K—
In the first half of our marriage, I spent more time wondering what the heck was wrong with YOU. By the beginning of the second half I began to realize the need to look at what was RIGHT with you and what was wrong with ME. From there I think I grew into a better and more patient person BECAUSE of our differences, not in spite of them. Learning to deal with our incompatibilities has actually taught me how to love you better and truer.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Dealing with Incompatibility Is More Important than Being Compatible. Oh my gosh! I am SO tired of hearing "We're just not compatible." In 16 years of counseling, I have seen some rare cases where people truly aren't compatible. However, the vast majority of the couples I work with transform their crap marriage into beautiful, compassionate and profound. It is as Tolstoy said: It's not about compatibility as much as how you deal with that incompatibility. To me this is such a saving grace—Because instead of having to find that "one right match" or the finding the ever elusive "soul-mate" we can create a mature and loving relationship based in compassion, intelligence, growth and development. Whew. Thank goodness!

23/365 Commitment is...

THE QUOTE

Commitment has kind eyes. He wears sturdy shoes. 
Everything is vivid when he is around. It is wonderful to sit 
and have lunch in his gardens around harvest time. You 
can taste in the vegetables that the soil has been cared for.
—J. Ruth Gendler 


THE LOVE NOTE
K—
"Commitment has kind eyes." Wow! What a wonderful line. This whole quote is sublime. Commitment is what you give so freely and fully to your garden each year and we reap the benefits so fully. Commitment is what we also give to each other so freely and so fully every year from which we so bountifully enjoy our harvest of beauty, satisfaction and nourishment. You can taste in the quality of our relationship that the soil has indeed been cared for.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Commitment is "kind, sturdy, wonderful, and cared for." It is something tended to and nurtured. It is invested in and time is given to it. It is not accidental and it is not just a "given". Commitment, like gardening, isn't easy and simply takes lots and lots and lots of hard work. It requires "sturdy shoes". And because it requires so much, so much is then gained and rightfully enjoyed.

22/365 Speak Love. It Matters.

THE QUOTE

Love is what you've been through with somebody.
—James Thurber

[Tevye and Golde from The Fiddler on the Roof]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I am so grateful that we've never been stingy with our expressions of love and affection for each other. So many people I know wish to hear words of affection, encouragement, and love from their partners. Thank you, baby, for all you also do that so well matches your words. For 18 years you have done so many things that speak what words cannot. I love you.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Speak Love. It Matters. Say these words sincerely and frequently:

• "I love you."
• "I love you, because..."
• "I notice that you..."
• "I love it when you..."
• "I am so grateful for you because..."
• "You mean so much to me."
• "I appreciate you."
• "Thank you."
• "I don't know what I would do without you."
• "You do so much for us."
• "What you do is a lot."
• "You are enough."
• "You are all I need and all I want."

Don't ration words of love and connection. Don't be stingy with the language of love which is the language of life. People come up with the most illogical reasons to justify their holding back expressions of love:

"She'll come to expect it", one man told me. "Yes, exactly. And so should she. She should expect to be treated well by the man who vowed to love her his whole life."

One woman said to me, "Yeah, but he doesn't do..." I replied, "So? He still shouldn't be encouraged greatly for what he does do?"

You've been through so much together. Celebrate with expressions of what IS there vs. holding back these words because of what ISN'T there. Don't know what to say, though? Try this: "We've stuck together through so much. I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to me that you are here every day through thick and thin. I am amazed that not only did you pick me, but that you still choose me today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

21/365 Play First by the Rules—There Are NO Shortcuts to GREATness

THE QUOTE

"Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart."
—Anonymous

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
We both learned some good things from both of our families, and we both learned some bad. We then both got educated in what the research identified as the best practices. We read and we studied. We practiced. While we've "come into our own" at this stage and do it our own way, we continue to study, attend marriage retreats, etc. You know this, as a talented pianist who learned through tiresome discipline, the value of practice and repetition until you "make it look easy." Well, I'm glad we've done our work and still continue to practice. I'm glad we can now so easily play from our hearts with seeming ease.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
I cannot tell you how many people have expressed to me the belief that love shouldn't require rules and formality and practice, but that if it's true love it should just work, it should just flow, it should be easy. Yes, I know, but seriously, that myth is a very popular and pervasive one that many intelligent and otherwise well-educated people actually buy into.

But let's compare greatness to greatness. How many great buildings, statues, paintings, martial artists, musicians "just happened"? They all studied the masters, learned from the greats before them, got as much training and knowledge as possible, studied their butts off and then once they drilled it into their heads and muscle memory were they able to then "do their own thing" where it flowed with grace and ease.

Cases in point:

• My daughter above, is now 13 years old and is playing the music she loves and even writing some of her own. However, for years she complained about restrictive rules and boring practice and "stupid" songs her teacher picked for her. Now, from that discipline she has the freedom and joy to create her own music.
• The Buddhists have a saying: "Enlightenment comes in a moment.... after years and years and years of meditation." Thich Nhat Hanh shares a little of the simplicity of mindful breathing practice.
• Bruce Lee, who developed Jeet Kune Do in response to what he called "the fancy mess of martial arts" that was the overly formalized forms of Kung Fu, could only know how to create something new and fresh after studying the masters before him first. 
• Stevie Ray Vaughan, the brillant blues guitarist, was self-taught with no formal training. However, did he study the masters? Yes. Did he emulate them until he found his own voice and style? Absolutely. Did he practice, practice, practice the best methods and shun what just didn't work? Without a doubt.
• Ever watch Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dance? Any idea how many hours, days, weeks months and years go into just one three-minute dance routine to make it look like they are just "gliding on air"? They had to learn it "by the book" first before they could "make it their own" and give their dancing their signature style. 

Greatness is created through careful crafting. There are NO SHORTCUTS TO GREATNESS!

20/365 Flaunt It

THE QUOTE

Love and a cough cannot be hid.
—George Herbert

...put van window anniversary logo pic here...

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
There's a reason I'm so "out there" in the open with how I feel about you—I just can't help it.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Show your love. Jesus of Nazareth counseled so long ago, "Don't hide your light under a bushel" and to not "bury your talents". In a less sagely fashion, a popular saying advises, "If you got it, flaunt it." In this case I agree. You don't need to be cocky and arrogant, but if you have a great love then let people see it. There are too many examples of bad marriages and cruddy relationships that are flaunted without shame before us. Let us show others that there are great models to learn from as well. Too many people just don't know what great love really looks like. Show it. Your partner needs to see it. People need to see it. People need to have hope that true love really does exist and that it is GREAT not because it is perfect, but because it is real and possible and attainable.

19/365 True Love Protects

THE QUOTE

In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love, you want the other person.
—Margaret Anderson

[Emma receives just, but difficult, correction from her friend Mr. Knightly. From the movie Emma (starring Gwyneth Paltrow and Jeremy Northam) based on the same-titled book by Jane Austen]

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I think together we have made each other better. I have always loved the movie Emma, which you introduced to me, and especially this scene. This is true love. Not just the romantic emotion of love, bu the looking out for the good, and the goodness, of the one you love. You have always done that and have helped me not only be good, but stay good.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love protects. Real love seeks goodness. Real love protects that goodness it finds. True love is not always fun nor does it always feel good. But real and true love IS good.

PS: If you're curious how it ends with Emma and Mr. Knightly... (FYI spoiler alert if you haven't seen the movie yet...)

18/365 No Score-Boarding. Just Love.

THE QUOTE

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving be me.
—W.H. Auden

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Our loving is equal enough, I do not doubt. Neither do I "count" it to see who's doing more. I just love you as much as I can and with all that I have and I know you do the same for me. However, I love this quote as it reminds me of my proper place instead of falling into the easy, slippery slope of keeping score.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
No "score-boarding". Just love. Own it. If you want love, then be love, show love, act love. Don't wait for love. Don't wait to give love until you get it the way you want to receive it first. If you do you will get sucked into the loveless black hole of 50/50 "fairness". I've seen a lot of good love die on that nutrient-free vine. Holding back love = relationship death.

17/365 Loving Infinitely

THE QUOTE

If a thing loves, it is infinite.
—William Blake

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I am a thing that loves, therefore I am infinite. You are, too. Fortunately, we've signed up for the Eternal Marriage Plan so we're good to go!

Loving on and on and on and on and on... I remain ever yours,
—J

PS: The mathematical equation above = "The Sum of All Values from Zero to Infinity are Less Than Love". I made this version inspired from a tattoo and t-shirt I saw.

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Love like you are going to love each other for eternity. Build a love that lasts. This implies, and requires, careful planning, commitment, best practices, revisions, and attention to craftsmanship and detail. When we are loving to last we tend to be much more careful with each other. Just as when we've taken so much time, love and devotion to build a beautiful temple, cathedral, mosque or synagogue we  are then so very respectful in these sacred edifices that we treat them with due respect. I was taught in my faith that, "Only the home compares with the temple in sacredness." So build well. Build sacredly. Build as though you were building a structure to last an eternity. As Buzz Lightyear said, "To infinity! And beyond!"

16/365 Know Love

THE QUOTE

"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is."
—Forrest Gump

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Regardless of what I do or don't know, succeed or don't succeed at, I am both proud and humbled that I know what love is. I know how to give it and I know what it has been to receive it so fully from you.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Know love. Know it not just be experiencing it or hoping for it. But KNOW it. Study it. Learn it. Practice it. Develop it. Express it. There are no greater smarts than that.

15/365 You Remain

THE QUOTE

As perfume doth remain
In the folds where it hath lain,
So the thought of you, remaining
Deeply folded in my brain,
Will not leave me: all things leave me:
You remain.
—Arthur Symons

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
You have been part of my life longer than than you haven't been a part of my life. To be precise, I have known you 56.1% of my life. In that time many things have come and gone. You remain. You are the center of my life, my time, my thoughts, my endeavors, my treasures, my hopes and my dreams. I have been singularly blessed to have had your friendship and companionship for so long.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is constant. Since most things in this life are transient at best, it makes sense to invest time, effort, skills and resources into staying consistent. If you don't know how to be constant, then get coaching on how to create balance in the midst of relationship stress. There is great comfort in having relationship constancy as the safe harbor to return to from the storms of life over the decades.

14/365 Don't Hope. Decide.

THE QUOTE

While waiting to pick up a friend at the airport in Portland, Oregon, I had one of those life-changing experiences that you hear other people talk about — the kind that sneaks up on you unexpectedly. This one occurred a mere two feet away from me.

Straining to locate my friend among the passengers deplaning through the jet way, I noticed a man coming toward me carrying two light bags. He stopped right next to me to greet his family.

First he motioned to his youngest son (maybe six years old) as he laid down his bags. They gave each other a long, loving hug. As they separated enough to look in each other’s face, I heard the father say, “It’s so good to see you, son. I missed you so much!” His son smiled somewhat shyly, averted his eyes and replied softly, “Me, too, Dad!”

Then the man stood up, gazed in the eyes of his oldest son (maybe nine or ten) and while cupping his son’s face in his hands said, “You’re already quite the young man. I love you very much, Zach!” They too hugged a most loving, tender hug.

While this was happening, a baby girl (perhaps one or one-and-a-half) was squirming excitedly in her mother’s arms, never once taking her little eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man said, “Hi, baby girl!” as he gently took the child from her mother. He quickly kissed her face all over and then held her close to his chest while rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly relaxed and simply laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment.

After several moments, he handed his daughter to his oldest son and declared, “I’ve saved the best for last!” and proceeded to give his wife the longest, most passionate kiss I ever remember seeing. He gazed into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed. “I love you so much!” They stared at each other’s eyes, beaming big smiles at one another, while holding both hands.

For an instant they reminded me of newlyweds, but I knew by the age of their kids that they couldn’t possibly be. I puzzled about it for a moment then realized how totally engrossed I was in the wonderful display of unconditional love not more than an arm’s length away from me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, as if I was invading something sacred, but was amazed to hear my own voice nervously ask, “Wow! How long have you two been married?

“Been together fourteen years total, married twelve of those.” he replied, without breaking his gaze from his lovely wife’s face. “Well then, how long have you been away?” I asked. The man finally turned and looked at me, still beaming his joyous smile. “Two whole days!”

Two days? I was stunned. By the intensity of the greeting, I had assumed he’d been gone for at least several weeks – if not months. I know my expression betrayed me.

I said almost offhandedly, hoping to end my intrusion with some semblance of grace (and to get back to searching for my friend), “I hope my marriage is still that passionate after twelve years!”

The man suddenly stopped smiling.

He looked me straight in the eye, and with forcefulness that burned right into my soul, he told me something that left me a different person. He told me, “Don’t hope, friend… decide!” Then he flashed me his wonderful smile again, shook my hand and said, “God bless!”
—By Michael D. Hargrove and Bottom Line Underwriters, Inc. Copyright 1997

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Well, this is a looooonnnnng quote which we call a "story". ;-) It's been one of my favorites for years I first read, reprinted, in Chicken Soup for the Soul. It has been one of the most influential stories for me personally as well as one I've shared many times with my clients and workshop participants.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Don't hope. Decide. Neither love nor greatness (nor great love) are accidental things that we can just hope will work out. Great athletes may hope to win the gold or to "take state" but none of them ever leave it up to hoping and wishing. They dedicate themselves to a choice and then practice in consistently in a disciplined fashion. Why should great love be any different. You can't get greatness on the cheap, friends.

13/365 It Isn't Luck. It's Skill

THE QUOTE

Charlie Brown kicks a football while saying, "My grampa and gramma have 
been married for 50 years."  To which his playmate replies, "They're lucky, 
aren't they?"  Charlie says, "Grampa says it isn't luck...it's skill." 

—Classic Peanuts, 9/26/01

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I know you've worked hard on our relationship and so have I. We've studied, learned, practiced and repeated the above over and over. We've earned our relationship success and will continue to earn it. I love you for your commitment to me and to us.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is a practice not an occurrence. Work hard to create greatness. Study from the masters, learn effective strategies, practice the best practices and repeat over and over and over again. Earn your relationships braggin' rights and then earn them again.

12/365 Silliness

THE QUOTE

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
—Rose Franken

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
One thing we do well is make each other laugh with our random silliness. That has always been one of your most attractive qualities
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Laugh well to relate well. Silliness is the foundation of play, laughter, connection, creativity, stress-reduction, optimism and the healing and pleasure-inducing naturally occurring mild narcotic in our brains called endorphins. Silliness also requires a certain level of intimacy where we feel safe enough to "let our guard down" and just be ourselves.

11/365 Choose Character Over Chemistry

THE QUOTE

In marriage do thou be wise:
Prefer the person before money, 

virtue before beauty, 

the mind before body;
then thou hast a wife, 

a friend, 

a companion,
a second self.
—William Penn, Fruits of Solitude

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Well, neither of us married for money. As I remember it, I won you over with just myself and a beat up Honda Aero 80cc scooter as my greatest material possession. While you do have the beauty and the body (woo hoo!) it is truly your virtue and mind that I am most attracted to and most impressed with. I cannot imagine a better nor truer companion to spend my life with.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Choose character over chemistry. The "spark", chemistry, and feeling of love are grand and I'm all for it. However, too many relationships are based too much on those transient variables while the lacking character traits are minimized, glossed-over or ignored. In time, beauty fades for every single one of us. Chemistry comes and goes. Emotions shift like the wind. Character alone remains through thick and thin, joy and sorrow, hardship and ease.

10/365 Keep Trying

THE QUOTE

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed 
is always to try just one more time.
—Thomas Edison

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I remember once years ago when Emily was a little girl and you and I were having a pretty heated "go 'round". She said to me, "Dad, I don't like it when you and mom fight. I'm afraid you're going to get a divorce." That surprised me, because even though we could sure irritate each other at times (to say the least sometimes!) the thought of actually ever giving up or even divorcing was never on the table. Even though I was upset with you still, it was comforting both to her and me to reassure her by speaking the truth: "Honey, you're mom and I are really mad at each other. Sometimes you and I get mad at each other, right? But we still love each other even though we're mad, right? Well your mom and I love each other even though we are mad. We would never divorce each other. Ever." It was good for her to learn that thre could b conflict and stability.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Fight for "Us": What could be more romantic than saying, "On you, I never give up. For us, I fight til the end." Edison persevered until he got it right. Hang in there. If something isn't working in the marriage, try something different, but don't get rid of the marriage.

9/365 Friendly Conversation

THE QUOTE

"When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory." 

—Friedrich Nietzsche 


THE LOVE NOTE
K—
We started out friends long before we ever dated. We then enjoyed each others company and conversation and still do over two decades later. We still haven't run out of things to talk about and don't see that coming anytime soon. You're just good to be with baby.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Focus on what matters most in partnership before the marriage and during the marriage: Friendship and respectful communication. Those last. All else comes and goes. Physical appearance, money, possessions and even children are all nice but in the beginning there's the two of you and in the end there is the two of you. Take care of it well in the middle.

FREE article: "Building Strong Families with COMMUNICATION", part of an eight part series on "Building Strong Families with ACCCTS"

8/365 Not Made, Just Reminded

THE QUOTE

I don't make you feel special, I just remind you that you are special.
—David F. Sims

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
You stand well on your own. I just like to be the one who gets to show you off.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is able made up of two full people, neither of whom "make" one or the other nor "complete" the other. True love recognizes that each already is and most importantly sees the truest self in the other who truly is special, unique, wonderous and valuable.

7/365 "Fool That I Am"

THE QUOTE

I am two fools, I know,
For loving, and for saying so in
Whining poetry.
—John Donne

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Am I cheesy with all these love notes? Go ahead, I can take it. But I can't help it. I do love you.
—J

PS: Thanks Mr. T for your pity...

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Don't be afraid to express the love you feel. For some it's uncomfortable, or not natural to them. It can be hard to say "I love you" or "Thank you" for some. Get out of your comfort zone. Be willing to be a little uncomfortable, and foolish, for love's sake.

6/365 "The Kiss"

THE QUOTE

Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;
Then to that twenty, add a hundred more:
A thousand to that hundred: so kiss on,
To make that thousand up a million.
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kiss afresh, as when we first begun.
—Robert Herrick

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
Smooch.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Express and show affection frequently, refuse to take it for granted, renew it and make it fresh.

Picture: The Kiss, by Gustav Klimt

5/365 "Friendship at First Sight"

THE QUOTE 

Friendship at first sight, like love at first sight is said to be the only truth.
—Herman Melville

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
You've ever from the beginning and to the end been my bestest "fried".
—Poods

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Friendship is the hallmark of true love. Friends treat each other as friends. Friendship is a greater predictor of success in relationships than "chemistry" or attraction or even the all elusive "compatibility". Not friends? Behave as friend consistently until in time respect develops from consistency which opens the door for friendship to be created.

4/365 "Super Bowl Marriage"

THE QUOTE

"People are often enamored with my Super Bowl ring. But it's my wedding ring that I'm most proud of. And having a good marriage takes even more work than winning a Super Bowl."
—Trent Dilfer, Seattle Seahawks quarterback 

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
I'm not much of a sports guy, but it's good to know that we're winning the most important game.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Know what true success really is. Business, academic, and school success is wonderful. However, as David O. McKay said, "No success can compensate for failure in the home."

3/365 "The Marriage of True Minds"

THE POEM

Sonnet CXVI
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love,
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh, no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love is not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out.. even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
—William Shakespeare

THE LOVE NOTE
K—
My favorite of all of Shakespeare's sonnets. I read this at Ben and Leah's wedding. Of all the quotes and poems I could have picked for both Valentine's Day and our Anniversary there is none better than this from the master bard.
—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is based in being true. Many people think of true love as a feeling or experience, and it certainly can be. True love is love that is true: True to its word; True to its vows. True love is not an extended date you go on until you are bored with the relationship. True love sticks especially when it's tough. "Love alters not... but bears it out...even to the edge of doom." Well said!

2/365 Real Friendship

THE QUOTE

"Real friendship is shown in times of trouble;

prosperity is full of friends."

—Euripedes

THE LOVE NOTE
K—

You and I have been true friends to each other in good times and bad. We never give up on each other (and for good reason—we're each awesome and we're awesomer together!). So, "Bring it!!!" is all we've said to whatever comes our way. Neither of us have time for fair-weather friends, especially when we know what real friendship is.

Love you bestie,

—J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
True love is based in real friendship. Others come and go. True love stays. Not because it always feels like it, but because of choice, commitment and determination. If that doesn't equal love then I don't know what love is.

1/365 "Jenny Kissed Me"

THE POEM
Jenny Kissed Me

Jenny kissed me when we met,

Jumping from the chair she sat in;

Time, you thief, who love to get

Sweets into your list, put that in:

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,

Say that health and wealth have missed me,

Say I'm growing old, but also add,

Jenny kissed me.

—Leigh Hunt

THE LOVE NOTE
K,

Many things pass and fade in this life and are lost. But, baby, I've had your love. I've had your kisses. And those will always be mine. No one and no thing can take that from me. "Kara kissed me." Me, do you hear, world? Me! What a great thing to say. Really. And what's even better? You still do.

Happily in love,

J

THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Don't EVER discount the small stuff in relationships. The little stuff is the big stuff. A kiss is not to be taken for granted. A kiss says so much: That you, of all people on this entire planet, and you alone, get this simple and special piece of intimacy from me. None else. Wow.