What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.THE LOVE NOTE
—Leo Tolstoy
K—
In the first half of our marriage, I spent more time wondering what the heck was wrong with YOU. By the beginning of the second half I began to realize the need to look at what was RIGHT with you and what was wrong with ME. From there I think I grew into a better and more patient person BECAUSE of our differences, not in spite of them. Learning to deal with our incompatibilities has actually taught me how to love you better and truer.
—J
THE GREAT RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE
Dealing with Incompatibility Is More Important than Being Compatible. Oh my gosh! I am SO tired of hearing "We're just not compatible." In 16 years of counseling, I have seen some rare cases where people truly aren't compatible. However, the vast majority of the couples I work with transform their crap marriage into beautiful, compassionate and profound. It is as Tolstoy said: It's not about compatibility as much as how you deal with that incompatibility. To me this is such a saving grace—Because instead of having to find that "one right match" or the finding the ever elusive "soul-mate" we can create a mature and loving relationship based in compassion, intelligence, growth and development. Whew. Thank goodness!
Posts
5 comments:
From my Steven Densely on my Facebook post of this entry:
Reminds me of this one:
“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.” (J. R. R. Tolkien, Letter to Michael Tolkien,
March 1941)
Also, from Steven Densely:
Here's another interesting article: http://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=arranged-marriages-can-be-real-love-10-03-11
Wonderful article. Thanks Steve. I met a couple just like this from India--they met on their wedding day as teenagers and when I met them they had 7 children and had the most loving relationship full of admiration and friendship for each other. It was quite inspiring. I've talked of the what we do after we connect is more important than how we connect for years, but I hadn't seen this bit of research which fits so well with other research and this story of the couple I mentioned.
Great Tolkien quote. I'll be profiling he and his wife on my Great Relationship Masters Project blog as well as they not only had a great marital relationship their parenting relationship was wonderful. Thanks for all the great info/feedback.
It's about time you figured out what was wrong with you. Geesh!
Ha! Yeah, well, better late than never! ;-)
Post a Comment
Please share your favorite love quotes, poems and thoughts...